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The Best and Worst Beach Cruiser Accessories
What are the best and worst beach cruiser accessories? It depends. It depends on what type of riding you like to do. Do you like to cruise the beach or do you like to ride around downtown, doing errands and seeing pals? Do you need a beach cruiser basket?
It also depends on what time of year you like to ride. Do you ride in the winter in Iowa in January or Miami Beach? Do you need a beach cruiser cooler?
The WORST Beach Cruiser Accessory: (our opinion)
The #1 Worst Beach Cruiser Accessory: Bluetooth Speaker
Bro, we know you think ‘Sweat Child of Mine’ is the greatest tune on earth. We can tell by how you are biting your lip (and your sick G&R Tee with no sleeves). But please spare us your taste in classic rock.
Nobody, not your girlfriend (she’s pretending), not your kid (she hates you right now), or especially me, wants to hear, “Living on a Prayer” blasting from the bazooka you have strapped in your water bottle cage. You sound like an asshole.
One of the best things about riding bikes is being outside, in nature, without the sounds of insecure jackasses blasting shit music from crappier speakers.
If you must listen to music, wear headphones. We know this is a controversial point of view. But if you MUST listen to, “The Final Countdown”, no matter how funny and ironic you think you are, please, please, please do it in your own ears.
#2 Worst Beach Cruiser Accessory: The Cup Holder
The beach cruiser cup holder can bite me. Mobs of half-drunk imbeciles swilling their way down avenues screaming about how everything is terrible… This image is bad for the beach cruiser image, bad for Bike Life.
To the cup holder beach cruiser crew we say, “Get it together man.”
There is a time and place for a beverage. While piloting a vehicle, probably not a good choice.
In times like this, it’s helpful for me to invoke the Dude. What would the Dude do? I believe the Dude would have a beach cruiser, but would not have a cup holder. A White Russian doesn’t go in a cup holder or your hand on a bike. Abide.
#3 Worst Beach Cruiser Accessory: FLASHING, Handlebar lights
Some people want to make it a point not to die on their bikes. I get that. I have been hit by a car on a bike. It will change your life.
Some of those same people add lights to their handlebars to keep from getting run over. We think that’s fine.
An even more specific group of people have their handlebar lights FLASH like an approaching 747 Airplane is flying in your direction.
Ok, man. Maybe if you ride on the street and need to keep the torrents of phone-faced morons from squishing you. I can MAYBE see having a flashing front light.
But an even smaller contingent of people insists on having their handlebar lights flash like beacons on top of an antenna WHILE THEY ARE ON A BIKE TRAIL, away from CARS. It looks like your life is ending, racing towards you at 10 miles per hour. It feels like a headache, flashing a terrible message in Morse Code.
To those people, I say my most sincere, “go flurf yourself.”
There is NO reason to have your bike light flash while on a trail. Maybe you are trying to scare away zombies or bears.
Just like Bluetooth speaker guy, we get it, you’re special. You can’t convince me not to hate these people.
If you would like to join Cruiser Bike Mystery School and you have a flashing handlebar light that you use on the trail, the answer is no.
#1 Best Beach Cruiser Accessory: Helmet
Bro, get a helmet. I know it’s not considered cool to wear a helmet on a beach cruiser bike. But who cares?
Are you trying to look the part or are you trying to enjoy The Cruise? If you are putting on a show for someone else, maybe spend a few minutes evaluating what you are trying to get from life. Maybe consider the 36 Chambers of the Cruise.
#2 Best Beach Cruiser Accessory: Beach Cruiser Seat
Cycling is filled with seats the size of small eggplants. Not beach cruising. We have the best seats in all of cycling. We have wide, meta-seats, featuring galactic springs for cushioning the ride.
The beach cruiser seat is special. It’s laid back. It’s plush, often quilted. The beach cruiser seat is a reason to consider getting back on a bicycle.
#3 Best Beach Cruiser Accessory: Your Body
Turn your body into a vehicle. There’s nothing like it. You spent all of your 20’s and 30’s and maybe 40’s and 50’s sitting in a cubicle, a robot commanding electrons from a computer. Now it’s time to take that body out and do something different.
Now is the time to off your ass and put it in a beach cruiser seat and make it go for a ride. Push yourself around the block. Go for a Cruise. Go Ride Bikes. Dream again, from the back of the best seat in the house, your beach cruiser.
The benefits are myriad: health, focus, improved sex drive, wealth (from focus and health), and so many more. Plus, you can pedal away from the people in your life who listen to GNR too loud.
Riding a beach cruiser is a bit like snowboarding. The most important thing is snow and something to ride. Accessories like, goggles, a helmet, and appropriate clothing can enhance the experience.
In exactly the same way, beach cruiser accessories can enhance a ride. A helmet, a light, and a few other things can make your experience more delightful.
This is not a sponsored post. We are not trying to lure you into buying beach cruiser accessories on Amazon by giving is stellar reviews. We don’t fault people for trying to make a living, that’s just now how we make ours.
I don’t know you, man. Maybe you need a cup holder on your beach cruiser? We don’t roll like that at Cruiser Bike Mystery School.
In truth, you can do whatever you want. This is like, our opinion man. Do what you want.
In Cruise We Trust
Brian
Head Student, Cruiser Bike Mystery School